I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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