You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
