No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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