It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
