Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
