I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
