Your mouth is God's brothel.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
