FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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