I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
