i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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