YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
