When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you made out with another girl for some wings
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
