Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
