My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
