You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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