That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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