I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
