just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
