Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we made out on top of his cat.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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