I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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