i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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