we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
