I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
