Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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