I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
