Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
