just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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