i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We left the knife in your bed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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