my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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