the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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