dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
