I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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