Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
