She's JV to your varsity
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
