Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can u get pink eye on your cock?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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