The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
