Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
