woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
