I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
