I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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