new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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