the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
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