dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
