TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
