My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
