Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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