Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
