I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
