he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we're making bets on your personal life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
