Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
