I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Every concussion has its silver lining
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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