how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
