so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
