You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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