She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
