I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
